Martha and I went driving last night, I bought her some dog bones so she'd be too busy chewing to be afraid of the thunderstorm. She ate them too fast, and cried all night. It was a big storm.I'm sad this morning. I e-mailed the head of the music department of my school:
I'm having trouble getting a hold of my violin teacher, so I thought I would just e-mail you with my questions. When are the orchestra auditions this year? Are there any required pieces or scales? I'm considering playing a cadenza from a piece for my solo, is that appropriate? What is the time limit on the solo?
...and all I got back from him was this:
Stop by my office and get the audition materials. You can sign up for an audition time as well.
This makes me sad because I realize he has no idea who I am. Not that I deserve recognition or anything - I was in the lowest orchestra at school last year, and a non-major. He came in to talk to us every now and then, but mostly we were conducted by students of the conducting school. It was borderline embarrassment, as they had to bring in people from the high school to fill out our ranks. And I wasn't even at the top of that orchestra, I was fourth chair. Fuck borderline, it was a picnic in the heart of Embarassment Land.
It's frustrating, because I've been playing for nine years now. And as anyone who has played any game with me knows, I play to win. I used to be a very bad sport when I didn't get my way, and most of that happened with my violin. Through high school, I was second chair at the top of four orchestras. This was an arts magnet high school, and I was playing second chair to a girl that was concertmaster of the National Youth Symphony at Interlochen. I didn't mind where I was. But now, I'm second desk in a stupid orchestra, I can't bear to play because it just reminds me that I'm not going to get anywhere with it. I'm afraid I've reached the end of my talent, that high school was the end. That depresses me.
The worst thing is that it makes me not want to play anymore. I love the violin, but there's always a new competition I have to win. Even that was passable, when I was winning them. Now I just play and play and lose and lose, I'm going nowhere and it's turning me off to the instrument. I love quartets, I just wish my school had a quartet group I could join. I really love quartets, more than solo and chamber groups combined. It's making music and there's no animosity, assuming the two violins get along.
I don't even know when the auditions are. I might be missing them now. I'm a music minor and I don't know when the auditions are, this is so fucking sad.
